Introverts Holiday Differently, Not Less.
“Your community will Never accept you unless you join the crowd.” But science says communities do better when they embrace difference.
Holiday Whelm?
I am that person who took a book to Christmas lunch.
You know us. Even if you thrive in the big room with all the loud noises, you may have noticed the people who are in the kitchen at parties or hiding out in the garden when the gathering crescendos.
Please give me two friends, a glass of rose water infused soda, and anything other than what Lady Gaga was wearing on stage last week.
Nah, I probably want to know what Lady Gaga was wearing, but only for five minutes.
And the two-person limit? I can probably go for a group of five before I tip over into full butterfly mode. I can handle fluttering around a room for thirty minutes before I need a break—a garden, a sunroom with a bookcase, a bathroom if there is nothing else.
Sometimes, going full isolation was the only way to stop myself from being overwhelmed.
I remember folks coming to my Nanna’s house for holidays. There would be a dozen different people and a dozen different languages. They would all be gabbling on in the language that best suited the story, and these multilingual folks would just swap between them. I don’t think any of them spoke fewer than five languages, and English was their weakest.
Except for me. I was so restricted by the 1960s Australian advice to migrants that if you wanted your kids to succeed, you only taught them English. My cousin might speak two or three languages. I ended up with bits and pieces of about eight. Still, I’m only fluent in English.
So, holidays when I was a kid weren’t just about being overwhelmed by extended family but also being unable to move between the different languages. It would give me a literal headache. I could only understand phrases as whole concepts, and not in a way that I could translate for anybody else. So even if I understood what was going on, I couldn’t respond. It was terribly one-sided.
That’s why, even though I am an ambivert, I get what it might be like for introverts… especially during the holidays. Those gatherings, as amazing as they were, left me exhausted with a throbbing head and the desperate desire to curl up in a nest somewhere.
A Potted History of Introversion and Extroversion
There are many descriptions and definitions of introversion and extroversion. In the 1920s, Jung defined them based on the orientation of psychic energy. He believed introversion directed psychic energy toward the inner life of thought, reflection and subjective experience. Extraversion, however, directed psychic energy outward to the world: people, objects and activity. For Jung, introversion and extraversion were more to do with how we directed our attention and energy, rather than a particular behavioural type.
Across the mid-20th century, the psychological study of personality shifted these definitions to reflect ongoing personality traits. In the 1950s, Eysenck treated extraversion as a biologically grounded dimension and used factor analysis to argue it was stable and measurable. But the biological grounding for Eysenck’s argument proved iffy, and this line of reasoning eventually became passé. Still, the idea of extraversion as a stable trait endured, and personality psychologists in the 1970s took it up as a key component in personality profiling. By the time we get to the Big Five Personality Tests and NEO Personality Inventory in 1985, we have Costa and McCrae defining extraversion as a continuous disposition to experience positive affect and engage socially.
This is sometimes expressed as extraverts are energised by group interaction while introverts tend to build their psychological resources through time on their own. Ambiverts do a bit of both, depending on the situation and their inclination.
Organisational psychology extended our understanding through studies of leadership and group dynamics. Lately, research has revealed numerous strengths in mixed groups and shown that introverted leaders often create conditions supportive of diverse contribution and independent problem solving in research and corporate settings. In short, introverted facilitators tend to help nurture communities that listen, explore, and enrich each other.
Even during the holidays. That’s why you often find them in the kitchen at parties.
Designing Inclusive Holidays
Still, it isn’t uncommon for introverts to feel overwhelmed by social gatherings, even when they want to be in the thick of them. Introverts enjoy holidays and being with their loved ones, but they can feel misunderstood. But with some forethought, we can help create an environment that is supportive of them. We can make their holidays more enjoyable.
Confine large, noisy gathering spaces to one or two major areas. For instance, it is summer in Australia. Keep the party outside or in the lounge. Ensure that the music isn’t too loud, and that there are quiet spaces in the rest of the house or yard that introverts can escape to.
Create smaller spaces where people can mix in small groups. Rather than having your holiday gathering in a dining room or living room, tidy up a few smaller spaces and make nooks where a couple of people can sit with a beverage and enjoy each other’s company.
Have a quiet space where people can rest. People need time out so they can gather themselves. A bedroom or sitting room where somebody can curl up for half an hour could make all the difference.
Arrange for asynchronous activities, like boardgames, puzzles, crafting tables or treasure hunts. These sorts of activities mean that people can feel included whether they go it alone or they hang out with a crowd.
Let everyone know that this year we are all doing it differently. We are all being just a little more considerate, and Aunty Jane does not need to be in the kitchen cooking just because she wants a bit of peace.
It isn’t uncommon for holiday tension to be based on a misunderstanding of how different community members best engage with each other. Preparing inclusive and diverse spaces can make all the difference.
How do you like to celebrate the holidays? Are you one for the crowd, or do you prefer a couple of good friends and a movie? I would love to hear your optimal holiday strategies in the comments below.
TL;DR
Diverse communities are more resilient.
Holiday whelm is real, especially during high-energy holiday gatherings.
Introversion and extraversion describe engagement styles rather than sociability.
Introverted leaders and facilitators often support listening and independent thinking.
We can design better holidays by planning multiple ways of being with each other.